What Are Your Kids Learning From You During Your Divorce?

by Karen BakerSep 14, 2020

Over the past month, if you follow the blogs you have had the opportunity to see the different perspectives of divorce. Through the children who have been affected by them. Sandy is the stepsister of John and Jessica. She has a vastly different perspective on divorce.

Caught In The Middle

Sandy was 5 when she remembers the first screaming match, “never felt like my parents were a unit, they acted separately often.” While she knew something was up, she is thankful she was so young. There was never a time where she had to rationalize and understand why her parents were divorcing. It just was.

At 7 her parents officially separated. “Most of my life has been post-divorce…some people should not be together.” She recognizes her parents are one of those couples. She believes had they stayed together it would have been harder to understand what a healthy relationship and healthy conflict look like. Post-divorce and still at such a young age, her parents involved her in a lot of their conflict as she got older. She was given a cell phone so parents could communicate through her instead of contacting each other directly.

Her parents separated during the recession, money was a huge concern and the main reason why her parents fought. She learned after her parents had separated, they tried to date. Because money was one of their big issues, after they separated that stress went down. But they still had differences and as Sandy believes, are better as individuals.

Children Learn What They See

Sandy feels as though her parents loaded too much of their money anxiety on to her. Both parents rarely saw eye-to-eye, their differences in money would just confuse Sandy. Conversations around money were guilt based. Instead of objectively explaining that toys and trips cost money, they would tell her “we’ll lose the house, there isn’t enough money month to month.” When conflict would spiral, Sandy would shut down and not respond. “This plagues me in my relationships to this day, and it takes conscious effort to communicate my feelings, since I never really learned how to do so effectively/honestly.” Kids pick up our worst habits and our best ones.

If you are a person, chances are you’ve stressed about money. If you’re a married person, you know one of the main issues that couples face is money. Spending money, saving money. Talking about money. We offer financial coaching both pre and post-divorce. Smarter Divorce Solutions/Better Money Decisions can help you manage those anxieties, help you control your money and not let your money control you.

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